I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
