Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
