What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
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