I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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