You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
