i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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