pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
