I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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