note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Actions speak louder than pants.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize