census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
