Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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