at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
