worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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