someone threw a dead crab at me
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
