I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
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