I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
