Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
