I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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