this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
