Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
