i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
