i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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