My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
