So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
