census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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