So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
