Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
