I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
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To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
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She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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