Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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