I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
