i already hear my dad disowning me
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
