i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
