If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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