Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
