Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
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For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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