We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
