I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
