you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
