im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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