I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
