yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
