dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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