im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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