What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
