I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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