Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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