I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
