I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
