I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
