Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
