my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Ladies don't puke and tell
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
