the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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