DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
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I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
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When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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