I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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