Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
