I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
you inspire me to be a worse person
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
