Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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