I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
