btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
