The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
